[first day on SWAT team]
SWAT #1: The target is inside.
SWAT #2: Let’s break down the door.
ME: I got this… [knocks] “GIRL SCOUT COOKIES!”<door flies open>
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Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
i- i did not expect this
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does