My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
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kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
You know you do too much online shopping when your kids start drawing pictures for the UPS man.
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
[Rome]
CENTURION: please state your date of birth
CITIZEN: May I
CENTURION: yes
CITIZEN:
CENTURION:
CITIZEN:
CENTURION: when is it tho
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok