[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
You Might Also Like
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
“just sayin” who asked you though?
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
somebody come look at this
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
checking out some reviews of my local library
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!