[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
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I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
I hate when I’m waiting for the elevator and someone else casually walks up and presses the button to open the elevator door.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
still the best tweet of the year by far
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
fact: each canadian goose contains the repressed rage of 30 canadians
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat