A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
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I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
CNN: We’re not sure but we’ll report it anyway.
your honor my client chooses dare
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
I’ll write ‘not unlike’ as if I’m being payed by the word.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
This has to be a terrible time for roadstop serial killers
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard