Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
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Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
I call my period Shark week.
I want to eat everything, I’m snapping at people, I feel huge, people are scared of me, and there is blood everywhere
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Tough love is true love
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover