Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
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Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
ME: As the leader of the goth party, it is my belief that Friday the 13th should be a holiday
REPORTER: What else does the goth party believe in?
ME: [clearing throat] Ghosts
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.