ok hear me out: Luigiana
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Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
I hate when I gain 10 pounds for a role then realize I’m not even an actress.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*