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Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
HARRY POTTER: 🙁
DUMBLEDORE: 🙁
VOLDEMORT: : (
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
guys i’ve cracked the code
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
That 👊