They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
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It tastes fantastic but it takes forever to make. What should we call it? A trifle? Yeah, that makes sense.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
your honor my client chooses dare
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.