4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
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In Canada they just call them geese
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
Police Officer: Son I have some terrible news, your father was killed at work today when he fell into the scissor machine.
Dwayne Johnson: *grits teeth* …I will dedicate my life to avenging him!
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
Very good news from my accountant
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!