When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
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“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
Got him!
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.