She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
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Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job