[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
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wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
(True)
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.