Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
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Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
<- sleeps well with others
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”