why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
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At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
i will avenge u mr van gogh
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.