My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
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Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫
Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up