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ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
To the goth guy in my college dining hall who always ate waffles: I’m sorry I only knew you as “Waffle Goth.” You were surely more complex.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
I love that earthquakes unite strangers online like nothing else. 100,000 people posting “did anyone feel that” and 100,000 other people posting “yeah”
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
so, is there a mister shapen head
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.