Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
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*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
adulthood means having ice cream for dinner and regret for dessert
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
A short story of betrayal:
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa