My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
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i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
My kitchen overserved me.
*Friend hands me their baby. I whisper*
The blood so fresh & pure. It’s perfect for the sacrifice.
And that’s how I get out of babysitting.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Dogs are like babies, you can’t actually tell people theirs is ugly.