ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
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I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Clean tweeting is liberating. You don’t need profanity to make a point. Look:
Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
live long and prosper!
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
My background check bounced.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
My kid: “I want the new iPad like my friends, everyone has them”
Me: “And I want to vacation in Hawaii..disappointing day all around huh?”