COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
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a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
No regrets in 2018
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”