[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
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Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he drank my last pepsi
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
ME: *introducing date to my parents* It’s some kind of desert raisin.
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
How does one answer this?
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Ape together strong