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a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
ME: [unbuttoning shirt] There’s only one way to settle this. Dance off!
CUSTODY ATTORNEY: No
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.
*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.