*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
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You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
I hope Alan is OK
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.