to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
You Might Also Like
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
If you haven’t seen one before, may I introduce the Secretary bird.
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
My first and biggest lesson in framing was when I saw my uncle asking 3 children who wanted to take a bath and they all squirmed and loudly yelled NOOOO and then he asked “Who wants to be the FIRST! to take a bath?” and they literally started fighting to be the first
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Ovenable?
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
the #horror is real!
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT