How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
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I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
I asked a girl to “go with me” in middle school, she said yes and then we never talked to each other again. I’m thinking about reaching out to dump her.
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
Crockpots are such a tease because I hate waiting 6-8 hours to eat my food that I’ve been smelling all day.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
The first matador
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
A cool thing about dogs is they never get to an age where they are developmentally required to think you’re a cringe idiot. I mean, it’s not a competition – but my dog has never asked me to drop him off a block away from his school.
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.