My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
You Might Also Like
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
I just finished off my daughter’s leftover juice and swallowed a surprise tater tot. I’m not looking for sympathy, I just want you to be aware that this kind of thing can happen.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…