My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
You Might Also Like
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
I did not eat the cake…
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Am I the only one who was a kid in the 80’s that thought I would have more life challenges dealing with quicksand and lava?
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.