6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
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(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
On my tombstone:
She died still despising
deconstructed food
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
You learn something every day
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.