i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
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90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
Me eating dark chocolate: Mmm healthy choice! This is basically a vegetable.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
What’s going on? Why does the internet keep showing me videos of people chopping wood? Did I check a box for wood chopping somewhere?
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP