Dolls on drugs
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Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
A huge thanks to the person that did this
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
Did you know that if everyone in the U.S. donated just one pint of blood, we could pour it over the Statue of Liberty and be hella cool?
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.