Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
You Might Also Like
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
Shoutout to all the guests at my wedding that forever held their peace……WHAT THE HELL DID I EVER DO TO YOU?!?!
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I get distracted pretty eas
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Me: Ok I’m trusting you guys to stay home alone.
Kid 1: Ok.
Me: What are you doing.
Kid 1: Microwaving foil.
Me: What?! No. No metal in the microwave.
Kid 2: Are Hot Wheels cars metal?
Me: Um. Yeah but why-
Kid 1: OH just wrap the Hot Wheel cars in foil.
Me: I’m gonna stay home.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”