My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 馃檨
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Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You鈥檙e welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I鈥檓 terribly sorry sir, but pets aren鈥檛 allowed in here
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
This is why I hate group projects
6: you鈥檒l always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you鈥檒l always be my baby!
6: what if you鈥檙e dead
me: wtf
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
Incredible customer service.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I鈥檓 calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.