Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
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[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
The local diner is now selling rolls of toilet paper displayed in the glass case alongside their pie, which is really confusing.
Unless you’ve ever eaten their pie.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!