Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
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the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
I just cleaned out my purse. So, I’ll be having a garage sale later this afternoon.
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Damn. Just made a joke about hieroglyphics, but I probably should have read the room first.
Someone on Facebook added me to my high school reunion page and wants volunteers to help with it. I said I’d love to, but I have a pillow that I need to suffocate myself with instead.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Happy thanksgiving
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.