Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
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Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
I liked having a roommate because I could always tell myself she was sneaking my peanut butter & that’s why I went through it so fast. Then, I learned she has a peanut allergy. I’m moving out.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Inventing The Octopus-
God: *watching humans freak out over spiders on land* Hey you know what would be HILARIOUS…?
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history