I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
You Might Also Like
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
this article brought to you by lions
This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
i NEVER VOTED FOR A PRESiDENT BECUZ iF iM GUNNA WASTE MY GAS THEN iT BETTER BE ON SOMETHiNG iMPORTANT LiKE DRiViNG TO CHiCK-FiL-A
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Daughter: Dad, you need a smart phone.
Me: Will it make my dinner?
D: No but-
M: Good talk.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.