The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
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Bike for sale
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus
Eat garlic.
Lots of garlic.
It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Lmao
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.