I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
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Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
British people be like I’m Bri ish
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Reporter: *ports again*