He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
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when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Oh. My. God.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
*walks into confessional, closes door and sits down*
Me: Alright. Look alive over there, Father, I’ve had a pretty wild week…
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.