using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
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Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
When I’m empty-handed my dog doesn’t know what the word ‘sit’ means, but if I have a treat she can perform neurosurgery.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?