me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
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Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
How much for the mirror?
Ma’am that’s the cover of Vogue
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
I’m not saying my son is competitive, but he was happy he had a higher fever than his brother
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.