healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
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ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
🤣🤣🤣
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
Is anyone else worried that software engineers with no people skills are teaching our future robots people skills
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
#Caturday
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
Why does Minnie Mouse wear heels? She is the only female mouse Mickey knows. Pressure’s off, girl. Your boyfriend doesn’t even have a shirt.
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.