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I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
I prefer Big Caesars. Easier to cut weeth.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.