[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
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my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.