BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
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In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Not recommended for beginners.