Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
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People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Solving a traffic jam
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*