I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
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Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting