him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
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Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
This has made my week.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
[interview]
“What’s your strongest trait?”My fingers.
“No, like… Are you pinching me??”
GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch]
THE JOB
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.